Sex and the Uni vol. 5 – Rules of Engagement!
Now that I’ve put that whole “Geology-students-will-never-get-laid” fiasco behind me, I thought I would compile a list of what activities students should and should not engage in when trying to find a kindred soul to join with… and I mean that in the lewdest sense of the phrase.
Do: Arrive late and sit at the back of lectures. It’s a cliché but chicks love a bad-boy. This is a good one to combine with wearing a leather jacket. In fact, always carry around a leather jacket and put it on before you enter any room. Just make sure you take good care of it because leather doesn’t react too well to moisture. And it’ll be moist where you’re going, ohhhh yes it will.
Don’t: Study Geology.
Do: Find a fringe sport to play to get into the Uni Games. Do you think people play “Ultimate Frisbee” because they enjoy the “sport”? No, they play it because under clause 32 sub-section b in the Uni Games rule book it states that a certain percentage of each gender must be on the field at all times. That rule had nothing to do with equality or creating a positive environment, but everything to do with the Uni Games creators wanting a banging multi-gender party. Mission accomplished.
Don’t: Play hacky-sack on the Barr-Smith Lawns. Hacky sack is great fun and awesome for meeting new friends but there’s a reason it’s called hacky-sack and not hacky-ovary. It’s a total dude fest (except for that one token chick who’s playing it to break down society’s barriers). While you’re playing that there are ten other girls sitting around reading books or chatting or eating lunch just waiting to get interrupted by some total stranger like you.
Do: Lie. I should have made this the top point. The key to picking up at uni is to continuously lie based on who you are talking to. If you tell the truth it should only be coincidental. For example if there is a girl reading a book about psychology, lie and say you’re studying psych too. If there is a girl on the lawns shouting stuff about some stupid uni political matter, lie and pretend you’re interested. If there’s a girl who’s only discernible feature is that she’s wearing a hat, lie and tell her that when you were a baby you were left at an orphanage inside a hat that looked remarkably similar to the one she is wearing and that you lost the hat when you were five after a bully threw it over the orphanage gates but you vowed there and then to never stop looking, for the hat or your parents, and your only clue was a message written by your parents on the inside of the hat that said “Grow up son, and one day find a special woman who will make you happy” and wonder if perhaps her wearing the hat could be a sign. The bigger the lie the more they’ll believe you.
Don’t: Study heaps hard. This is just common sense but some idiots still need reminding. There has been a stereotypically proven correlation between hours of study and how big a nerd you are. I don’t know how it works but what I do know is that if you are maintaining a Distinction average, suddenly sweater-vests start seeming more and more practical to your massive mind. I myself once dabbled in being intelligent. I awoke weeks later with a backpack hip-belt around me, a hat with an inbuilt fan, and a table-cloth shirt tucked into some khaki pants. I told everyone I was wearing it ironically, but people knew the horrible truth. I was smart.