Sex and the Uni vol. 2 – Be Cool!
(This article was originally published in On Dit Issue 80.3)
Oh man! I didn’t realise the can of beans I opened with my article last time. The response has been enormous! From the direct feedback I have received in the form of people writing in to thank me, to the joy I get from watching students all over campus having a crack; there was no way I was not going to write a follow-up article!
Last issue I focused on where to find love at University. This time will be more about preparation: how to dress and how to act.
With Wrestlemania XXVIII fast approaching (as I’m sure we are all too aware of), I was dying to find a way to slip a decent wrestling parallel in… so buckle up! Here’s the deal: I don’t know who you are but in all likelihood you have a lot of quirks about you that make you “unique”. You know who else was unique? Nikolai Volkoff – he was some Soviet Russian WWF wrestler who got pumped so hard and so often that many argue he was the main contributing factor for the Cold War. You don’t want to be Volkoff. You want to be John Cena.
The thing about Cena is that he actually sucks but no one can seem to see past his bad-boy I-can-rap persona so he ends up doing heaps well. See what I’m saying? You need to pull a Cena. Obviously that doesn’t mean coming to school shirtless wearing knee-pads (although…). But it does mean killing off everything that is unique about you in favour of giving the fans what they want.
Let me start by saying I by no means endorse the current “hip” trends in fashion, but I do accept them. I also don’t have enough time or knowledge to explain the finer details of style, so I am going to give you a cheat. You know that American Apparel store that opened up on Rundle Street? You know, the one that seems to sell nothing but cardigans and sailing attire and you only ever see douchebags go into? Yeah, go in there. Now, this next part is going to hurt – both emotionally and (if you go the skinny pants route) physically, so I recommend getting fairly drunk. But don’t resist it. Just accept that somehow the 19-year old hair-dressing apprentice knows far more about this sort of thing than you do. I found it helpful to repeat the words “I’m still me on the inside. I’m still me on the inside.”
Cool! Now that you have rolled up pants and a mis-sized striped shirt, you need to act like a dick too! This is a lot easier than it looks. You know those witty observations you make occasionally that some people really seem to enjoy? Stop making them. Instead start talking about shit bands that no one has ever heard of. If you want to just make up bands that don’t exist that’s cool too. When you talk to the opposite sex sometimes it’s difficult to work out how to be charming so another cheat that might help you is smoking. When you are smoking you always look busy and you never have to talk. If you are talking to a super hottie you might have to smoke two/three cigarettes/cigars at once so be prepared to enter Flavour County.
Basically your new identity should see you getting far more action than you would otherwise. And, with a bit of luck, one Smackdown soon you might be able to drop a corporate elbow off a ladder, onto the object of your desire, while they lay immobile on a table. Of love. (Possibly while fans watch).
Next time I will focus on how to get people to notice how cool you are, and the “education-love trade-off theory”.