Sex and the Uni vol. 1 – Don't Die Alone!
(This article was originally published in On Dit Issue 80.2)
As I walk the many pathways of our fine educational establishment, I am disheartened to see some obviously confused students rushing to their classes, completely oblivious to why they are at University. Unfortunately, it would seem that too many impressionable kids have been absorbing the ridiculous propaganda being spewed from the mouths of heartless lecturers, backstabbing tutorers and soul-crushing faculty admin staff. So then, let me spell out what should be told to every new student at the time of enrolment: YOU ARE NOT HERE TO LEARN!
Well, not really. If you learn something inadvertently while you are cramming for your exam or wiki-thieving your essay then I guess there’s probably no harm in that. But education should be taking a definite back-seat position during your time here at University. First and foremost you should be trying to pick up bitties, (or if you are that way inclined… mitties?)
“But Rowan,” I hear you shout, “I have been using all the techniques that I have stolen from TV shows and movies and still have had no luck!” That’s where I come in! In this column I am going to explain some big concepts such as why you have been having no luck with the opposite sex, why you should not be paying attention in lectures, why the University staff want you to die alone and, if there is still time, I’ll tell you how to get furniture creases out of carpet.
The most frequent error that students make when trying to add another bedpost notch is to use moves that they have seen Neil Patrick Harris use. While there are some gems in there, none of the methods used on sitcoms or romantic comedies are aimed at university life. Sexual advances made at University are a different kettle of fish to those made at a club/bar. You can’t simply pump a few Long Island iced teas into the situation and show some nip. You have to be delicate. Although there are a few aspects to this conundrum, in this issue I’ll start by answering the first question on everyone’s mind: where do I look?
Where to Pick Up
The short answer is everywhere! Obviously the Bar Smith Lawns just ooze sexual energy and you’d have to be lucky to make out of that long grass without being pounced on by a wild Pokémon (copyrighted sexual metaphor), but there are a lot of less obvious places as well. Lectures, tutorials, library, cafeteria, construction sites and that strange room on level 13 of the Shulz building are all fair game. If you’re feeling especially dirty you could have a crack on the inter-campus bus! (Oooh you dirty devil!). And I think we’ve all heard that rumour about the triumph of young love in the bike shed (finally, a practical reason for wearing lycra!).
What you really have to do is get it out of your head that classrooms are strictly there for classes and that the Scott Theatre is strictly there for buying drugs outside of. Take me for example: When I look at the reading room I see girls. When I walk across the footbridge I see girls. When I close my eyes I see girls. When I’m with girls I see more girls. When I’m eating a sandwich I see a girl inside my sandwich eating another sandwich with a girl inside that sandwich. I think I may be losing my focus slightly, but the point I’m making is that you need to change the way you perceive University from an educational institution to a free range love inducing sex farm.